Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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