No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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