Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
