last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
