this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
