Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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