I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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