Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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