he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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