and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
