my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
