I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
