she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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