awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
