Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
