How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry about my life...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
