Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
