feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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