Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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