I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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