Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize