i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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