I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
