I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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