someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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