I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize