The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
