god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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