I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
