oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
a search helicopter?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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