my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
