Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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