I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
