I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
