Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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