Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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