I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
