All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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