I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
They have beer where we have blood.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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