I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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