I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
