Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
