eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
