why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize