Girls should come with a carfax report
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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