You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
