He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
