Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
