Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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