Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
