you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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