The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
