My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
