Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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