Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
