do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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