life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
