1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
